Breaking Free: Courage, Self-Discovery, and Living Your Truth Beyond Societal Norms
Ayce Kyptyn explores the liberating journey from internalised conformity to embodied authenticity, revealing how compassionate self-enquiry and somatic sexology can unlock deeper belonging, pleasure, and courage to be truly seen.
Welcome to Inclusion Bites, your sanctuaryfor bold conversations that spark change. I'm Joanne Lockwood,your guide on this journey of exploration into the heart ofinclusion, belonging and societal transformation.Ever wondered what it truly takes to create a world? Remember, everyonenot only belongs, but thrives. You're not alone.Join me as we uncover the unseen, challengethe status quo and share stories that resonatedeep within. Ready to dive in? Whether you'resipping your morning coffee or winding down after a long day, let'sconnect, reflect and inspire action together.Don't forget, you can be part of the conversation too. Reach outto jo.lockwood@seechangehappen.co.ukto share your insights or to join me on the show.So adjust your earbuds and settle in. It's time toignite the spark of inclusion with Inclusion Bites.And today is episode 176 withthe title the Courage To Be Seen.And I have the absolute honour and privilege to welcome Ayce Kyptyn.Ayce is a somatic sexologist on a mission to help othersexplore their identity and authenticity through deephealing and embodied self expression.When I asked Ayce to describe his superpower, he said it is being able tohold a compassionate space for others exists fully andtruthfully. Hello, Ace, welcome to the show. Hey, Jo, it's nice
Ayce Kyptynguest
to be on the show with you today. So whereabouts
Joanne Lockwoodhost
are you in the world? From that accent, I'm guessing you're not in the uk.
Ayce Kyptynguest
No, I'm originally from the Midwest of the United States, but I live in Boulder,Colorado. Boulder, Colorado, Wow. Is that. That's near the
Joanne Lockwoodhost
Grand Canyon? Always a way. But we got the Rocky
Ayce Kyptynguest
Mountains here and so I'm an avid jeeper, so I enjoy being outdoors,doing a lot of trail rides. So this is the perfect place for. Oh, thatsounds awesome. That's loads of fun. Wow. Neverbeen to Colorado. It's on the list. On the list, but yeah. Well, I gota place for you to stay if you come. So let us let. Let me,let me know. Ah, well, there we are. We've got a
Joanne Lockwoodhost
date. Yeah. Give us sometime when it's possible.Yeah, let's see what we can do. So, Ace, a somaticsexologist. I mean that. I'm just. I'm just intrigued.Hopefully if you're listening to this, you're intrigued as well and you've hadan interesting life journey,discovering yourself and I guess you're using some of that as a. Asa lever to help others. So do you want to give us abit of your story? Yeah, absolutely.
Ayce Kyptynguest
So in 2022, my life fell apart. Ilost everything. I lost my job, my family, mycareer. Like I had a 20 year career as a professionaltheologian. And I was let go due to a reorganisationand it was completely out of the blue and I was just building a customlake house and so I went, oh, no,like I no longer have an income to affordthe place that I live in. And basically what happened was my life wasthrown into chaos. And from that I startedquestioning and critically thinking about how I lived my life forthe first 38 years. And I realised that I wasn't being authentic
Ayce Kyptynguest
to who I am. I was doing what everybody else in this world wantedme to do. And I think a lot of us do that. You know, wego to school, we get a job, because maybe our parents said, hey, this isthe path you should take, but it's not necessarily the path that youwanted to take or I wanted to take in life. And soin losing everything, I started to critically think about how I got thereand what I actually wanted to do with my life. And so as Iwas sitting on my therapist's couch, it became really clear to me that I wastrans and I had lived a life as a female. I was an executiveleader and that was all gone. And so I was like, how do Iwant to rebuild my life? And in such a way that I'm actually happy andenjoying the lifestyle that I have. And so I ended upwatching a show called Sex, Love and Goop. It's on Netflix, it's free. It'sa really fun show that you can binge watch over a weekend. But basically whathappens is there's somatic sexologists that are taking clients intoa room and as the storyline unfolds, you can see theirlifestyle start to change and they're actually living a life of pleasureversus a life of pain. And so as I was watching the show, I waslike, I need that in my life because I understand pain really well.I've been living a lifestyle of pain my entire life, but Iwould love to transform it into pleasure. And soI hired a somatic sexologist. I went and had my own sex loving,goop like experience. And my lifewas completely transformed because I was awakened to thesensations in my body and who I really am. And so from thatI decided, you know what? I need to provide this experience for other people. Andso I got trained in somatic sexology, got a bunch ofcertifications, and now that's what I'm doing. I'm helping other peopleland in their bodies and have an erotically liberated lifestyle. I've got loads of
Joanne Lockwoodhost
questions in my head from that. First of all, there's twowords, somatic and sexologist. Could you just maybebreak each of those two words down and just give me a. Give me areference point for what a sexologist is and whata somatic version of a sexologist is? Yeah, So a
Ayce Kyptynguest
sexologist is somebody that studies sex. Right. It's like a theologist would study Godor religion. So I study sex. So a lot of it isgender identity, expression and orientation and helping peoplecritically think about their life and their lifestyle and what they really wantout of it. And then how to get that. And then the somatic pieceof it is actually just landing in your body and being true to what's thereand recognising and realising the sensations and the feelings that are goingon and really embodying who you want to be andliving that out. So it's that alignment of self
Joanne Lockwoodhost
with spiritually, physically, mentally, everythingkind of aligned so that you're, to use the overused expressiontrue to yourself is what you're trying to say here.Does that reflect that? Often thehardest person to come out to, whatever that may mean to you, is yourselfadmitting to yourself who you are, what you are, what's important to you. Becausewe, we all tend to live by other people's rules, don't we?We leave as we grow up, we have expectations set onus by our parents, our community, our relatives, and then we just end up inconveyor belt. And sometimes we gotta. We gottarealise that who are we exactly? We
Ayce Kyptynguest
all are playing a character in this world. We all have this Persona that we'vecreated of who we are and that becomes our identity. But is thatreally your identity and who you really are? Are you allowing all of yourselfto exist or are you only allowing a certain portion of yourself to exist?Because that's okay in society and it's acceptable, right? Andso what I do in my. In my work with people is I allow allof them to exist. The good, the bad, the ugly, what they think isright or wrong. Like all of it's welcomed in this space becauseit's all of you. And I think what a lot of us do is wereally repress those desires because it's not seen as something that'sactually, you know, okay to have in this world.And that's where a lot of the, like, incongruency and, you know, thelack of alignment happens. And that's why we're so Sad and frustrated because we're notliving a life that's true to who we are and expressing that in this worldtoday. Yeah. You must be a good girl. You must be a strong boy.
Joanne Lockwoodhost
Repress your emotions, be emotional. Want a family,not want a family. Can't be gay, must be straight, can't betrans, must be CIS living up to thosesocietal constructs. And often we have our own communities thatenforce and police us into those boxes, doesn't it? Absolutely.Yeah. You mentioned the fact that. Was it 2022,your world turned upside down. Was that thefirst inkling you had around your own incongruence ofidentity, or had it been plaguing you? Absolutely not.
Ayce Kyptynguest
It had been plaguing me my whole life. I mean, I knewat the age of four, and I think my parents knew it too, right. Of,like, I was way more into boy things. I wanted to be muddy, bereally active, do sports. I didn't want to wear makeup, do my hairdresses. Right. Like, it was my entire life that I was. Iwas fighting this societal norm. And I knew that I was genderincongruent. There was no gender conformity. Right. I knew that, but Iwas struggling with it, and I. And I felt like I had to align withwho society said I needed to be versus who I actually was. And
Joanne Lockwoodhost
you said before you were in your adult career,you were a theologist. Is that theology? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, I was
Ayce Kyptynguest
a professional theologian. Yeah. Theologian. Was that
Joanne Lockwoodhost
associated with the faith or religion, or was that justspiritually connected or. I was
Ayce Kyptynguest
a youth pastor and a missionary within the Christian church. Andso I grew up in, like, the evangelical Protestant denominations,and that presumably that the. The doctrine would have not
Joanne Lockwoodhost
accepted deviation from the typical. From the norm, from thestraight. Yeah, exactly. I mean, they believe
Ayce Kyptynguest
in. There's two genders, male and female.Right. And so obviously, if you look at science and the facts,there's a binary. Right. There's a. There's a spectrum of we couldbe masculine, we could be feminine, we could be somewhere in the middle. Right. Andthere could be fluidity in that. And that's not necessarily the way that I wasbrought up. And so that was a really hard thing, I think, back in2022, when I started to actually look at the science versus what I hadbeen taught to believe. You know, I believed that to be true. Butthe science is we're all born female, and then, you know, sixto seven weeks later, our bodies start to change, our brains start to develop, andthat's when, you know, we become male or female insociety's terms. Right, yeah. And so all growing up
Joanne Lockwoodhost
throughout your life, you adopted this spiritual identity, aligned, as you say,with Protestant Christianity, living in a worldwhere whoever you were didn't meetthe rules that you were being told and you were conforming to those,almost like conversion therapy in yourself, aren't you? You're converting, keepingyourself oppressed. Absolutely. If you lookback now to those times, did you feelincongruent? Did you feel that you were living that line lookingback? And how do you rationalise that time in your mind? Becauseyou must have had deep faith in. Yeah, absolutely. Aninvestment in that religion. Yeah. There was always a tension
Ayce Kyptynguest
within me. Right. Of what I was told was trueand what I felt was true inside of me. And I think what happenedwas when my world fell apart, I started torealise that the rules that I was living by, they're just all made up.Somebody said, this is how you should be, this is who you should be, thisis how you should act, this is what you should do with your life. Andit's like, who made that up? It doesn't align with what I know to betrue for myself. And so in critical thinking, Iwas able to go, okay, I was told that my purpose was this. I was
Ayce Kyptynguest
told that I was supposed to live my life like this, but it goes againsteverything that I feel inside. So what would happen if I wouldjust allow whatever's arising to naturally arise and live fromthat space? And so I learned how to live a more fluidlifestyle of understanding this is what'snaturally arising in me and this is what Iwould like to express. And so I just started testing that out. And at firstit wasn't. It wasn't really very fun because my family was like, hold on.The person that we knew is nowchallenging everything that they believed. And so they thought I was asinner. And so, I mean, we could go down that road. But that was areally interesting time in my life where I ended up losing everythingbecause I had to step away from theindoctrination that I'd had my entire life to actuallyfind out who I am and what my. My. What my purpose actually ishere in this world. That's the.
Joanne Lockwoodhost
I'm gonna say sad reality. There's a lot of joy in the reality aswell. So it's not all sad. But the hard truth is thatoften trans non binary people have to makea polarising choice around who they are,and often that means leaving behind parts of their life.That they valued immensely, but it was no longer compatible.It's what you're saying there is. You've had to. In order to go forward withyour life, you've had to let go of a lot. It's incredibly
Ayce Kyptynguest
painful. I love my family. I love the community that I usedto have. Like, there's a deep relationship there. ButI was unable to find compassion and empathy for who I reallyam. And at some point, I needed to walk away. And Ithink it's almost out of love for them that I left. Becausein reality, I mean, I was very well knownnationally as an expertprofessional Christian theologian. Right. And had I notleft the community that I was in, it really would have imploded. My entire familyand communities, just lifestyle, everythingfor my mom didn't change, and I didn't want to do that to her. SoI literally packed up everything and left because Ilove my family and because I didn't want them to go through all theheartache of everyone else finding out about it and then us being the talk oftown and their lifestyle changing. So, moving on. You've.
Joanne Lockwoodhost
You made that decision. Well, in fact, you didn't make the decision. The decisionwas necessary. It became a something you had to do. Yeah. Ioften say to people that I didn't make a decision. The decision made me sortof think it was a kind of a necessary, not a choice, butevolution that had to occur. Yeah. The universe.Yeah. You went through some dark times. You broke a lot of chainsand a lot of relationships and caused a lot of pain to yourself and alot of pain to others, I assume. So what joy have you foundsince? Has this awakening allowed you to explore?
Ayce Kyptynguest
Yeah, So I learned how to transmute the pain intopleasure. The first 38 years of my life were incrediblypainful because I wasn't able to be who I authentically am.And as I started awakening thatin myself and in my mind and in my body, thingsstarted to slowly shift from playing pain into pleasure.And so actually, Jaya's work in the erotic blueprintsis a huge piece of being able to find pleasure in my bodyand in who I am and how I go about this world. And her methodologyor her framework, although it's meant fora fulfilling sex life, it actually can be used in your entirelifestyle. And so I've taken her framework and I've. And I'vetransformed my life so that I'm living out of that space. I'm going to make
Joanne Lockwoodhost
an assumption that you have been. You've converted your body from Oestrogenbased to testosterone base, just purely based onyour visual appearance and your voice. So you obviously have atestosterone dominant endocrine system now. I do.What were the key things you noticed, maybe in terms of yoursexology of yourself and your outlook on lifethat changed with that flip, if you like, of the oestrogen?
Ayce Kyptynguest
Yeah. I naturally have this masculinepresence and it was so repressed my entire lifebecause I was trying to be feminine. And so when Itransitioned, there was just such an alignment with theway that I come to this world and how I interact with other people. Andso testosterone has been amazing for my body. I feelso good. I used to wake up in the morning, you know, before I transitioned,I was sluggish. I didn't really want to get dressed. I didn't want to seemyself in the beer. Right. And nowI wake up and I'm like, all right, let's get the day going. AndI look at myself in the mirror and I'm really excited about what I seebecause it actually reflects how I feel inside. Yeah, it's, it's beensuch a fun journey. Yeah, I, I, I can relate to that completely. For
Joanne Lockwoodhost
me, one, 180, the other perspective, you know, it'sturning off the testosterone. Turning on the oestrogen for mehas been incredibly affirming. As you say, you look in the mirror andyou see yourself, you, the shape and everything elseyou see in the mirror is you. And it is wonderfully affirming. And also theway the brain responds to stimulus emotions, the world aroundyou, it just feels more comfortable now.And it sounds like that same for you, where the testosterone isamplifying your inbuilt personality.As before, I felt like I was out of control. It was like this masculinefigure in my head was driving me down the path. I was going, hang ona minute, going the wrong way. No. Andhave you ever seen the Disney Pixar inside out with the characters in the head?
Ayce Kyptynguest
Yes. I often described the fact I was being driven by the
Joanne Lockwoodhost
little red angry person all the time. And then one day theykidnapped the little red angry person, strapped it to a chair, and then Joy tookover the feminine started running my brain. And then itall started working absolutely as it should have done. So maybe you've probably got theopposite. The joy. Joy's still there, but Joy's got a deeper voicenow. That's so true. Yeah. My mood
Ayce Kyptynguest
drastically shifted. You know, three months into starting t, it waslike, wow, this is what I've always wanted. Like, I had this Long desireto feel this way in my body and now with thesehormones in my body that have shifted, it feels like there's a, there's analignment. So you're, you're now working with
Joanne Lockwoodhost
individuals, couples, throuples andevery permutation of, of people who want todevelop their own understanding, their own bodies and the pleasure zones. Iguess. What surprises you about, about peoplewhen they come to you? Is there a common theme or there is everybody
Joanne Lockwoodhost
different? I mean, I think all of us at some point in time have a
Ayce Kyptynguest
learned to abandon a piece of ourselves and that's aself protection mechanism. And so what I've noticed in my work withclients is they might not even realise that they'veabandoned a piece of themselves and that that's what wants to be expressed.And so I really enjoy like the journey of gettingcurious with clients and trying to find how can we gather some moreinformation about who you want to be, what your desires are, what do youreally want? And then that's actually when the transformationstarts with a lot of my clients, they come to me because they have aproblem and they don't know how to fix it. And I don't necessarily give themthe answer, but I give them the safe space to explorewhat might be arising and then how to get whatyou want out of that. So that's what I've noticed is like acommonality with almost all my clients is there's somethingthat's repressed and they've learned how to find itin other ways, but it's not necessarily meeting that directneed. And if I can give them the tools and resources to actuallygo out and figure out what that is and then get what they want,that's when their lifestyle starts to change and they actually enjoy the life.
Joanne Lockwoodhost
I noticed on your website when I was looking earlier that you've kind ofcoined the phrase erotic blueprint. Yes.Dive into a bit of that and how that maps out for people.
Ayce Kyptynguest
Yeah. So the Erotic blueprints was actually created by Jaya. She'sone of the top, I don't know, five or six sexologists in the world. Shelives here in Boulder, Colorado and she created a framework that basically helpspeople understand how they're naturally wired. So whathappens in our society is we're taught this is who you should be, thisis how you should express, express yourself. This is what sex is.But that's only like a fifth of what's actually possible outthere. And so in her framework she has five different types.
Ayce Kyptynguest
She has the energetic, sensual,sexual, Kinky and Shapeshifter. Alot of us learn how to be in the sexual and do our lifefrom the sexual space, but we don't understand that there's four otherplaces that we could be living our life out of and actually bewired in and actually enjoy. So whatI do is I take her framework and there's a quiz out there that thelisteners can, can take, or I, my clients, I have them take as well.That kind of gives us an idea of what their blueprint type might be.And then I teach them about what does it actually look like to live yourlife out of what your primary type is, not what the world says. But,but what are you primarily. How are you primarily wired? And how can youget the most fulfilment and enjoyment? We're, we're kind of wired
Joanne Lockwoodhost
by society to embrace, if you like,the sex side, aren't we? But the kink side, if you're not in the rightenvironment with the safe, with safe people. And we findwe may fantasise about it, but it's always that taboo, isn't it?I've. I met someone recently. Well, I'll say recently, a couple of years ago.And she was a professional lawyer, a top tier lawyer by trade,by profession, yet she also ran this alternateInstagram where she was basically kinky. And she used towear kinky underwear, bondage gear, not to do anything withit, but as a form of expression about her inner self.So she was not selling that. She was just being thatas an empowered, strong woman, shewants to take control of that side of her kink side. And I think that'swhat you're saying. There is you. They can be separate parts of our identity. Wecould be kinky without having to enact it, but feel it.
Ayce Kyptynguest
Absolutely. Yeah. And there's a deep shame in kink, in doingsomething that's taboo. Right. We're taught that that's not okay. Wecan't express that. We can't do that. It's not right. Whatever.But if you start to embrace that, there's a depth of explorationthat can happen. And actually you can expandwho you are in this world to some extent. We see a
Joanne Lockwoodhost
lot more out and open kink within the, maybe theLGBTQIA communities, because many of us in thesecommunities have always had to break out of shame. Once you've brokenout of shame, nothing becomes shameful anymore. You actually, who cares? You know,you've lost that give a fuck almost. You gotta. Which is probably why you seemore free expression in the queer community, but for otherpeople who are perfectly heterosexualcisgender. They've never had to cross that shame barrier, have they?
Ayce Kyptynguest
Yeah, they haven't challenged it, they haven't dove into it. Right.
Joanne Lockwoodhost
I don't know if you find this, but just the fact we're having this conversationtoday, I've got so used to over the last 10 years,talking about every inner deep, dark secret I've ever had.I've lost that red line where I won't cross these days. And it's like peoplecould talk about anything. And I go, I start off the conversation, I won't saythat, I won't say that, I won't say that. And suddenly, before long, we're justtalking about it. And it is a very. And I'm almost watching the other persongoing, too much information. And they're almost backtracking.Joanne's a bit too open to share anything because I don't have thesame inhibitions I had 10 years ago. It's justbecause you become desensitised tothose societal barriers in your life. AndI'm assuming that that's what you're helping people do, is break down thatsocietal barrier and say, it's okay, there's no shame in thisroom. We can go here. Yeah. It's
Ayce Kyptynguest
about creating a space of safety. Right. I think a lot ofus, we walk in this world with our fists up, we're like ready for afight or ready to defend. But if we can actually createspaces where we're allowed to have conversation,we're allowed to bring up some of the deeper, darker places in our lives andwe actually have the ability to be safe with someone.That's what our nervous system is really desiring. We'renot meant to be inconsistent. Turmoil andprotection mode and knowing everything that's going on in this world,that's just not how our bodies are designed. No, I think
Joanne Lockwoodhost
you're right, it is. Prehistorically, we're built into fight, flight,freeze mechanisms, we're built into all these protection mechanisms.But the modern world doesn't have the same threats or hasdifferent threats. They're maybe not physical threats, they're not going to beeaten by something threats or poisoned or starved. Wehave comfort blanket around us, but we'vealso realised that society gives us privilege by conforming to itand the rules of engagement. And as you and I both know,when you step outside of those constructs, the rules close inaround you to try and place you back into your box again. Soagain, coming out with a Kink coming out, talking about yoursexuality or gender identity, all these things, butcrossing that line still. And I think that's, that's what we got to try andhelp people get over. Yeah, well, and I think
Ayce Kyptynguest
it's about finding your sense of power, agency and sovereignty.Right. If we never find that as humanity, our governments and our world cando whatever they want with us and make us their little toys and move usaround like chess pieces. Right. But if we actually can groundin who we are, they've lost their power. Before
Joanne Lockwoodhost
we, before we press record. I was telling a story abouta person I met in my past post transitionand she wanted some advicefor want of a better way of describing it or guidance on howshe could better engage with her partner.And she was wanting to bemore gregarious, more outgoing in the bedroom andshe didn't know what would be a turn onbecause what's going on in her mind, her fantasy, her storyin her head is different to amale fantasy in his head. And there's, how do we get peopleto actually communicate what I want, whatyou want and how we can find that connection. That's got to be a realtough thing to get people to be honest with each other. I think, man, this
Ayce Kyptynguest
is so multi layered. This is incredibly complexin my opinion. But if we can allowall of someone else to exist without judgement or shameand give them the space to express what that is,it's a step in the right direction. I think like a lot of times whathappens with couples is I don't share something with someoneelse because it affects their life, but ifI can actually own my own experience and they can owntheir own experience and we can find our own arrows andallow that to naturally come out of us andexpect and understand that that personhas ownership over their own life and their own experienceand not necessarily combine, combine that and saythat that's my, my, my thing to bear. That's astarting point in actually being able to share our wants,needs and desires. And I think the best way toexplain this is I have a friend thatI can share anything and everything that's going on, but it's becauseI own that. Right. It has nothing to do with their life, intheir, what they, what they have going on. And so there's nojudgement of like I did this because of you,it's I did this for me or I did this to help you.This is not landing right. We'll have to cut some of this, I think. No,
Joanne Lockwoodhost
no, no, I can see where you're going with this. I think what you endup doing is you build this story in your head, don't you? Sometimes. And that.That's. That's what's going on. You're building the story. You're creating this. This rule bookof who you are, how societal thinks you should be. And you're also making stuffup about the other person and creating a rule for them in your head.
Ayce Kyptynguest
Exactly. Trying to peel that back, isn't it? Is what you're trying to say. Yeah,exactly. So thank you for landing where I was going from that.
Joanne Lockwoodhost
And sorry for latching onto the word kink, because why not? You know, it'san area that I'm keen to find out more about. That oneperson's kink is another person's vanilla. You know, it's.For many people, sex is two people in bedwith the lights off, doing what they need to do, and thenrolling over, going to sleep, and that's normal life for them.Other people grabbing each other on the kitchen tableor the stairs or in the back of the car or on a park benchor going out for a walk in the woods. That's kind of their normal. Andkink doesn't have to be painful or bondage or dressing up or.It just has to be different to traditional,whatever that may mean to you. You have to stretch that boundary slightly for itto be. That's intriguing. I wonder if we're like that and yougo on this journey together, don't you, to try and explorewhat works and what doesn't work. It's overcoming that fear ofembarrassment. Is the heartbeat telling you what I fancy doing? Yeah,
Ayce Kyptynguest
it's definitely a stretch for some people. Sohere's the interesting piece that I've learned with kink. If you can allow yourself tohave some curiosity and naturally follow yourdesires, you never know what's going to happen. Well, you're almost alwaysgoing to have a good time and you're going to gather more information about howto make the next experience that you have even more.
Joanne Lockwoodhost
So what we're trying to do here is we're trying to get the brain chemicalsfiring, aren't we? We're trying to give those pleasures pleasure zones.From what I understand, we become kind ofacclimatised to the chemicals we have and we have to keep findingthat next hit, which is a bigger high or a bigger something.We have to keep finding that stimulation, which is, I guess, why after 10 yearsof marriage, 20 years of marriage, you needsomething really drastic to float Your boat again.
Ayce Kyptynguest
Interesting. Well, so that. That's. Maybe. Maybe I've just outed my
Joanne Lockwoodhost
own. Maybe I've just outed my own limiting belief there. But, you know,is that what we need to do to keep pushing those boundaries, to keep gettingthat next dopamine? I mean, that's what a lot of people do.
Ayce Kyptynguest
I wouldn't necessarily recommend it. Right. Because I think what happensis we're always trying to find that edge or we keep pushing thatedge instead of actually just being present in themoment with what our desires are right here, right now.And so a lot of times what people are doing is they're bypassing whatthey actually feel, the actual sensations that are coming up,because they just need to get that next hit, the next exciting experience, thatnext adventure, whatever that might be, is the adrenaline rush that peopleare looking for. And that's actually an escape mechanism.
Joanne Lockwoodhost
There's another word I notice in your bio and shownotes and on your website. Is it bonsage?What's bondessage? Yeah, bondessage. So that's
Ayce Kyptynguest
created by Jaylene and it's basically a way in which todo a kinky massage. And what that doesis it explores power dynamics, it exploressensations in your body. It also explores, you know,anticipation, tease, which for an energeticcan be really, really great at dropping you into your body, because anenergetic person is someone that enjoys anticipation,ease, chemistry. So throughbondessage, actually, we work through all five blueprints and we give peoplean experience on a massage table where they're tied downand they are getting sensations that areallowing them to be in their body and experience more pleasure. So these are
Joanne Lockwoodhost
physical sensations. We're not talking about tantric here. We're talking about. Yeah,physical, not. Not mental sensations. Yes, exactly. So it's
Ayce Kyptynguest
a lot of touch, obviously, with massage with your hands. We use tools as well.You know, we have things like vloggers and, you know, differenttypes of materials that we bring over bodies. We do anal massage.I mean, there's a lot of different ways that we could actually do a bondmassage session depending on somebody's desires. Right. But one ofthe fun things to do in bondessage is if somebody has kinkydesires and they've never, you know, done anal play. We havesomething called an anal hook that we use in the session. So it allowspeople to explore things that maybe they haven't explored beforein a really safe environment where there's trained providers. And obviously wedon't do anything that the client doesn't want. But we Allow them to have experiencesthat they may not have had with a lover that they've always wanted, but theynever really asked for it. That's the time and place to get it. Guessing that
Joanne Lockwoodhost
the first time is the hardest coming to you.The second, third, fourth, and hundredth time they come to you,it's an adventure they're looking forward to. So it's trying to break that barrier down.The first one or two times, I guess. Yeah. Usually
Ayce Kyptynguest
the first time someone comes to me, it's nervous system development, gettingused to each other, getting comfortable with each other in the same space.And then the second session is usually where we really get into some fun thingswhere they express a desire that they've always had, but they've never been. Been ableto meet it. And then what. What kind of container can we create so thatthey can explore those inner longings that they've always had and getsome other needs met? So, yes, usually people come to me for at leastthree sessions, but, I mean, I have people that come to me for hundreds. It
Joanne Lockwoodhost
sounds very interesting. Shame we're not in Colorado. Yeah. Love to come and havea session and find out more. There's people, there's
Ayce Kyptynguest
providers all over the United States and the world. So you might be able tofind a provider near you. Yeah, yeah, I'm good to go at the moment. Let
Joanne Lockwoodhost
me. Let me just take a brain check on that one. Yeah, I'm not. I'mnot feeling the need right now, but. No, I can. I can.I can. Certainly. I'm open to. I'm open to the concept completely, and given theright time, the right context and the right situation. Yeah, I would. I would certainlygo. Let's give it a go. Let's find out more. Is it. Yeah, there's a
Ayce Kyptynguest
lot of people. Oh, sorry. I was gonna say, is it mainly singles or is
Joanne Lockwoodhost
it couples or. It's everything. Yeah, we get singles,
Ayce Kyptynguest
we get couples, we get, you know, multiple people.It just depends on, you know, what your arrangements are. If you're poly, you know,we're open to the circuit. Anyway. What's the. You meant. You mentioned trust. You
Joanne Lockwoodhost
use that word or implied that word many times. I'm guessingthat stepping across your doorstep is the first trust, andthen sharing personal information is another level of trust. And it must geteasier once you start sharing. We talked thisearlier. Once you get onto this conveyor about sharing, it becomes morecomfortable. And that's probably. The first session is really breaking that downand establishing that bond. Yeah, a lot of
Ayce Kyptynguest
times I'll do a virtual session first just so that we can pick up eachother's voice, vibes. I mean, I want to make sure that I'm comfortable withyou, you're comfortable with me, we can share some, you know, what the container isgoing to look like. And then usually when they come into person in person, obviouslythat's just establishing in person trust. Yeah,it's a huge part of my job. Is there a
Joanne Lockwoodhost
reluctance from male identifyingpeople about relinquishing their power or is that often theirfantasy is to be able to go from a dominant to a dominatedstance? Is that, is that me stereotyping here or is that acommon. Common attribute, yeah. So I think a lot of people grow up
Ayce Kyptynguest
thinking that men have to be dominant, men have to take charge andthen have to be the top or, you know, whatever. But not everybody's wiredthat way. Or they might be wired that way, but they might want an outletfor some of the other desires that they have. And so in my space, Imean, I really just create an atmosphere where if they would like to bedomed, if they would like to be topped. Right. And soa lot of times the people that come see me are, you know, peoplethat are in the boardrooms, presidents of organisations, people that arealways having to be in charge and take the lead, they're just like, I justwant to receive and I don't want to have to give you anything,no expectations of me doing anything for you. Right. And so it justallows them to land in their bodies and experience whatever it is that theymight be wanting to experience in that. I certainly look at my own
Joanne Lockwoodhost
transition and the way my body's changed and other things.There's been a journey of exploration for me to try andreorientate my identity, not only mygender, but also my romantic attraction, myphysical attraction within the bounds of a, of a very strong andhappy marriage. And trying to understand how that's changed and alsohow Marie, my wife, has also had toadapt and explore herself as well. And I think oneof the reasons we've been able toenjoy and carry on our marriage as soulmates andlife partners and wives is that we're both beingopen to try to figure that out. And that's, as you'll sayfrom your experience, that's not an easy ask for anybody toreorientate their sexual desires andlabels. So it is, that's.
Ayce Kyptynguest
So go ahead. I was gonna say it takes a, a
Joanne Lockwoodhost
very open minded person. What you're trying to encourage people to dothis to actually step out of where they were intowhere they could be. Yeah. And not only open
Ayce Kyptynguest
minded, but somebody who's willing and desiring to stayin the fire with you. I think a lot of times we think thatwe've lost love for someone and we've lost that spark.And I mean, maybe that's true,but maybe they've just lost the desire to actually stay in thefire and go through it. And, and there's a lot of reasons why that mightbe on their own personal level. But if someone's actually willingto go there, they can experience a relationshiplike what you have with your partner. Right. Like the depthof intimacy that you wouldn't have had that probably had younot gone through what you've gone through in the last 10. We often
Joanne Lockwoodhost
say to each other that where our relationship is stronger today thatpotentially it was or would have been otherwise,because we've, as you could probably imagine, we've done a lot of talkingover the last 10 years, done a lot of shouting and screaming and hugging andcrying and being with each other far more thanprobably we would have ever communicated had things remainedas they were in the past. So I think it's an immense privilege thatwe've evolved our, our relationship, notjust physical relationship, but also our romantic relationship andday to day relationship in ways we could never have exploredwell, without an independent counsellor maybe. But we've done thatlargely by eroding those barriersbecause suddenly there's no red lines anymore.We've crossed all the red lines. There are. We're told thetruth ultimately behind who we are now. And so there'svery little secrets in our life and we know each other better now thanwe've ever done. And it takes work, it takes determination, it's choice,
Ayce Kyptynguest
it's intention and it's learning howto love someone else like the way that we want to be loved. And I
Joanne Lockwoodhost
think as humans, as we go through our lives, our needs evolve,don't they? And I'm sure you find this where whenI'm in my teens, I'm exploring, trying to figure stuffout, trying to practise. I don't want to be this, maybe not theone for me forever, but it's a bit of fun. Then you get to thatsort of biological clock type time in your 20sand whatever it may be in your 30s, thinking, well, actually the purpose of thisis to have a family. And then you go through that tiredphase where you've got your family, your hormones change again and you're saying, right, okay,no more. You gotta work protecting your offspring now.And then your offspring leave and you're going, well, okay, nowwhat? I don't want any more kids. I'mtired, I'm exhausted. Menopause, whatever it may be. Stress at work.So we've got to rediscover ourselves in our 40s to find new purpose inour relationship, haven't we? And try and do that within ourrelationships rather than looking outsideto find spice elsewhere. That's what often happens. We rejectlooking in and start looking out again. Yeah, I mean, we're all going through different
Ayce Kyptynguest
phases in our life and we're all making different choices according to what we want.So, I mean, a lot of us live our life the way that you justmentioned. We go through it almost the way that society tells us to. Right.You grow up, you get married, you have kids,retire. That's like the typical society. And the interestingpiece that I realised is, like, how many people are actuallyhappy with that life? A lot of people who come to me and, like, Iwish I wouldn't have gotten married when I was 21or had kids when I was 25 or, you know, they have all theseregrets. And it's really interesting to me, like,what would happen in our society if we startedasking questions and critically thinking about what do you reallywant in your life at a younger age? I think we'd have a lot lessmiserable people, a lot less divorce rates, a lot lesshate and, you know, people getting hurt.If we could just be authentic and true to how we're naturallywired and what we really do truly want in this life.If I were. If I would have been able to transition at the age of18, there's 20 years of pain and heartache that I mightnot have had to go through. Now. Was it good for me to go throughthat? Yes, I grew, I evolved, and I changed,but I. There's always this question of, what if society wasdifferent and we just allowed people to own their experiencesand whatever is right and true for them, I think there'd be a lot lesspain in this world. Yeah, I agree, I agree. But the trouble is we're so
Joanne Lockwoodhost
ingrained in this process of painand dependence and rules, constructsthat it's almost impossible to break out of it. Without using a matrixanalogy here, we do have to take the pill, find the truthand pull the plug out, and otherwise we'll never escape.And society's just not geared up for it. Society wants us indebt. It wants to be controlled by the state. We have to have rules.Drive on this side of the road, don't drive too fast, eat this, don't eatthat, spend this, behave like this. Becauseas a society, that's what keeps us coherent.And when we try and bend those rules, we're seen asoutliers. We talked about this right at the beginning, that it, it's.It's almost impossible to. To swim with the streamwhen you are the wrong fish. Yeah. I mean, what this does is it
Ayce Kyptynguest
encapsulates our human experience. Right.I think as a human we're meant to go through all these different thingsand evolve and shape shift and change with. Withwhat's going on and learn and grow and develop. Right. I think that's just apart of who we are as humans and life in thisworld today. So I give you a ring. I say, ace, I need your
Joanne Lockwoodhost
help. What's the first question you ask me then?You know, I'm not feeling it anymore. I love my partner.We want to be good together. I want back what we had30 years ago. And it's difficult sometimes. What I do
Ayce Kyptynguest
is I start with, what do you want? What is the endgoal? Do you have an idea of what that is? A lot of timeswe don't even know what that might be. And so what Ido is I help my clients get curious with that. So let's find out whatyou're in desires of and then I'll give you a pathway. So it's allowing
Joanne Lockwoodhost
people to draw about the curtains, see the road ahead of them andtake that first step. And then they realise the first step isn't asscary as you thought it was going to be. It will change your life absolutely,
Ayce Kyptynguest
but it's exactly what you need to do. So it's changed
Joanne Lockwoodhost
your life. As you said, you were at this crossroads. Staying on the sameroad was not an option. For various reasons. You got joltedby a circumstance which caused you to question yourself. How can yourecognise that point in your life without having to have trauma tojolt you into it? Because I'm not saying I had traumato jolt me, but there were things that happened around that time thatmade creating change much easier.Because some of it was going anyway. So I didn't have to hang ontoeverything, I just hang onto the bits. So it'd be far easier for people torealise they can make change without having to lose things. Yeah, some people are
Ayce Kyptynguest
probably not nearly as stubborn as that.Learning from other people's experiences and just realising it. I mean,I realised it so much sooner. I could see that something was going to happen.And ultimately the destruction of my life was a giftfrom the universe. To allowpieces of me that needed to die. It was almost like a death of anego. Right. Going into the dark side of the soul.And not everybody needs to go there. But I also, I thinkat some point in our lives, we all probably do go there. The metaphor and
Joanne Lockwoodhost
the analogy I use is it's almost like being on the space shuttle. Whenyou're on the stand, you're pointing up in the air, you have to push thebutton and blast off with enough velocity that youescape Earth's gravitational pull. Because if you do it halfhearted, you don't push the button deep enough, you don't grab it enough with it,you just get halfway up and then you drop back down to Earth. Soyou've got to try and find this escape velocity where you actually break free ofthe chains that are holding you back. And then when you're up there in space,you're looking around going, wow, this is kind of scary. How do I get backdown again? And what you gotta try and figure out is how to get upthere without losing all those heat protective tiles.Because if you've lost all those heat tiles coming up in your journey, youbreak all those things and coming back down is gonna burn up on reentry.If you go too shallow, you'll bounce off in space, you go too steep,you'll burn up. It's trying to find that exact path where you canland back on the tarmac and put the parachutes out the back and go,yay, I'm here, I'm still in one piece. That's a really toughnavigation to get all those little courses and velocitiesand impact correct. It's so hard.
Ayce Kyptynguest
And what I learned through my journey is it's almost impossible to do it byyourself. Had I not had a team of people that could resource me andcome inside of me and like give me the tools that Ineeded to actually launch off and do this in a way that wasn't going todestroy me. Yeah, it's, it's finding your team of people, findingyour support system, your community. We all long to belong.We all want to be worthy. Right? And so through theprocess, for me it was learning that of howto not only, you know, have myself andbe independent and do all the things, but how do I allowother people to come around me, support me and be community, help me.
Joanne Lockwoodhost
Yeah, I'm fascinated. Your name? Ace Kipton. Andone of the privileges we have. Being trans, I guess, is we get to. Weget to pick our own name. And how did you pick your name? You madeit up. So how did you make it up? Yeah. Yeah. So I
Ayce Kyptynguest
always wanted to have kids. Well, that's. That's not true. I thoughtif I had a kid, I would name my kid Kipton.I love the name Kipton. There's something about it that. Thatjust was drawn to me. And as I was going through this transition process, Ihired a therapist and we were doing some inner child workand I was working with my inner kid, and I named my innerkid Kipton. And it became really importantto me. And so that's how I came up with my last name was insteadof having a kid and naming my kid, it was my inner child. That's
Joanne Lockwoodhost
beautiful. Beautiful. It's also unique. I guess therearen't many other Ace Kiptons in the world, so itmakes you easily locatable on search engines andother places, I guess. Exactly. Yeah. I don't think there's anybody that
Ayce Kyptynguest
spells their first name like I do, and then I don't know about anybody thathas a last name that I have as well. So. Very unique.
Joanne Lockwoodhost
Ayce. Ayce Kyptyn.Kyptyn. Yeah. Very unique. Verystriking. Ayce, it's been absolutely fantastic.How can people get hold of you if they want to find out more andmaybe even do a virtual session with you? That'd be
Ayce Kyptynguest
fantastic. I'm on most of the social media platforms.I'm on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok. Find me at Ayce Kyptyn.Or you can take a look at my website, ace kipton.com and I've got. A
Joanne Lockwoodhost
copy of it here and it looks fantastic. And you can talk about volition. Wasit volition, Voltitionary life? How do you pronouncethat? Volitionary life. We all have a volition.Volition, Volitionary life. That's it. Go.I couldn't find the. Couldn't find the pronunciation of that.Absolutely fantastic. Ace. Thank you. Thank you for your time. I
Ayce Kyptynguest
deeply appreciate it. That was great. I loved that.
In this compelling episode of The Inclusion Bites Podcast, Joanne Lockwood is joined by Ayce Kyptyn to explore what it means to have the courage to be seen and live authentically. As Joanne unpacks the realities of societal expectations, Ayce shares his personal journey from a life restrained by conformity and religious doctrine to one of acceptance, embodied self-expression, and profound transformation. The duo discuss the powerful intersection of identity, somatic healing, and the necessity of creating safe, non-judgemental spaces for people to express their whole selves. Through honest reflection, they expose the pain experienced by repressing one’s true nature and highlight the liberation that comes from critical self-exploration and breaking through internalised shame.
Ayce Kyptyn is a somatic sexologist based in Boulder, Colorado, with a rich background as a professional theologian and youth pastor within the evangelical Christian church. Following a life-altering period that saw the loss of his career, home and family, Ayce underwent both personal upheaval and awakening. His work now centres on guiding individuals and couples through deep healing, using somatic and erotic blueprint methodologies to help others align with their innate desires and sense of self. Drawing from his own transition and embodied healing journey, Ayce offers unique insight into how reclaiming pleasure and authenticity can lead to meaningful change, both personally and within the wider framework of inclusion.
Together, Joanne and Ayce delve into the complexities of gender, sexuality, and societal conditioning, unpicking the pressures placed upon us to conform to archetypal paths and roles. Their conversation challenges listeners to interrogate whose rules they are living by and invites a reimagining of personal agency, pleasure, and belonging. The discussion also explores practical tools such as the Erotic Blueprint, and the significance of recognising and integrating repressed parts of ourselves—particularly for those navigating transformational journeys related to identity and intimacy.
A key takeaway from this episode is the transformative power of compassionate self-exploration and authentic expression. Listeners are encouraged to question the narratives that govern their lives, seek alignment between mind and body, and foster environments where true inclusion and liberation are possible—not just for themselves, but for every member of society.
The views and opinions expressed by guests are their own and do not necessarily reflect those of Inclusion Bites, SEE Change Happen Ltd or Joanne Lockwood. This episode is shared for general interest and discussion; we accept no responsibility for the accuracy or completeness of any statements made.
